So That's Why Everyone Hates Me

Behavioral economists are the most dismal of the dismal scientists.  They've done a lot to destroy the efficient market hypothesis in economics.  Thanks to both clever experiments in real life and by observing behavior in the brain using MRI machines, they've also managed to prove that people are remarkably stupid in many important ways:

• We are terrible at judging risk. We're more afraid of flying driving despite all the data to the contrary.
• We don't really understand the time value of money.
• Language can trigger emotional responses that seem to shut down the rational part of the brain

But what about those of us who don't want to spend our lives being stupid.  What about those of us want to fly safely into old age, raise happy families, and give up our Starbucks latte today for a financially secure future? 

In fact, all this new research has done a lot to show how we're bad at doing things and how we can be manipulated, but it's not very good at giving us advice that we can actually use.  In the last week, though, I think I might have found something quite insightful in the book "The Man Who Lied To His Computer."

The book looks at how humans behavior towards each other, but it uses interactions with computers as a way to test ideas.  Sounds strange, but it makes a lot of sense.  People are inifinitely variably, but computers can all be the same.  And yes, you can five a computer a personality - or at least facets of one.

I'm only part way through the book, but I've already learned a lot about how people react to criticism and praise.  In any leadership role, you're expected to dole out a lot of criticism and praise.  The only management thinking I ever learned on that came from my mother, who warned me that I should criticize in private and praise in public.  I think that holds true, but some other stuff does not.

Available from Amazon.com in paper and electronically.

One thing the book refutes is the idea that you should praise then criticize and then praise.  This is so common that whenever I get praise I usually tense up in anticipation of the "meat" of this sandwich.  In any case, it turns out that nobody remembers the praise because they're so focused on the criticism.  The book doesn't come out and say it, but I think the take-away here is: (1) get the criticism out first and (2) if you want people to remember the praise, make sure you dish it out in a multiple of the volume of the criticism.

Even more interesting is the idea of what makes people likeable.  Here, I'm not so satisfied with results.  According to the experiment results, if you criticize people, you're considered clever, but a jerk.  If you're nice, people are likely to think you're a bit stupid.  Except if you criticize yourself, in which case people will think you're nice and stupid.

And here I have a two problems because I don't like those choices.  First, I was taught by managers who cared about me and advanced my career that the people who really care for you are the ones who will be honest and critical, because that takes time and effort - something I have always appreciated.  And second, despite giving out a pretty large amount of brutally honest criticism, I receive remarkably few death threats.  In fact, there are quite a few people who like working with me for just that reason.

I think perhaps for quick and casual interactions this can be true, but for lasting and meaningful relationships, the combination of a mutual respect and admiration with real honesty can be far more powerful..